barnabas_truman: (Default)
"If you're already good at piano, how difficult is it to transition to piano accordion?"

"I'd say it'd be a bit of a stretch."
barnabas_truman: (army)
"Why would anybody want a square pan?"

"It heats up faster."

"Why would it heat up faster?"

"The corners are already 90 degrees."
barnabas_truman: (army)
"Hey Dad, I have an ornithology question for you."

"Okay, go ahead."

"What kind of bird is black and orange and catches flies but does not eat them?"

*laughs* "Is this a joke?"


"Black and orange and catches flies but does not eat them..."


"Baltimore Oriole."

Can't get nothin' past my dad.
barnabas_truman: (army)
"Here, hold this broccoli."


"And this other broccoli."


*puts broccolis on head*

*waits patiently for her to turn around and see*

"What are you doing with the broccoli??"

"They're antlers."

"What? Why antlers??"

"Because they are solid and will soon fall off. If they were hollow and permanent, they would be horns. Science!"

barnabas_truman: (oldstyle)
"Okay, so galley #5 is sailing to Tripoli, and buying two crates of spices."

"Tripoli is under my control, so six ducats please."

"Six? You mean two!"

"No, we tripolled our prices. Wo ho ho ho."

(The game in question is Serenissima, one of our favorites.)
barnabas_truman: (army)
"Are there any puns about Arthurian legend?"

"Hm... Oh! I've got one: who made all the musical instruments for King Arthur's minstrels?"


"Luthier Pendragon!"

[awkward pause]

"I don't get it.

"Arthur's father was Uther Pendragon. I thought that was common knowledge?"


"Aw, do I have a twisted idea of what 'common knowledge' is because I grew up with Arthurian legends?"

barnabas_truman: (oldstyle)
Adams: We should do the thing!
Everybody: No, John.
Adams: But it's important!
Everybody: No, John.

Adams: Hey Jefferson, tell them they should do the thing.
Jefferson: I'm busy.
Adams: But it's important.
Jefferson: Boring.
Adams: But morality! Posterity! Doing the right thing!
Jefferson: *sigh* Okayyyyyyy.

Jefferson: We should do the thing.
Everybody: Hell yes!

Adams: That was great! Thank you so much!
Jefferson: Whatever. I'm going back to Monticello; come get me when the country needs a president that isn't you.
barnabas_truman: (young whistler)
"Could you hand me my measuring... um..." *points*

*holds up rolling pin* "This?

"Yeah, that. Measuring rolling pin."

"It *could* be a measuring rolling pin if you sent it through college."

"Uh, why?"

"Because when it's finished it would be a graduated cylinder."
barnabas_truman: (army)
Ron Weasley walked into the Gryffindor common room, carrying a cardboard box tied with twine. "A package from my family!" he announced. "I wonder what it could be?"

"Allow me," said Harry Potter. He took the package, whispered something to it, held it up to his ear for a moment, and confidently stated "A new sweater and a tin of biscuits."

"How did you know that?" asked Ron, perplexed.

"I asked it, and it told me."

"You can do that??"

"Of course. Parceltongue."
barnabas_truman: (oldstyle)
"Do you want your hat?"

"Yes! Why? Do you want my hat?"

"No; I eschew your hat."

"Hey! Don't chew my hat!"

"No, eschew."



"Gesundheit! Bam! Classic vaudeville!"
barnabas_truman: (army)
When our view of the Sun is obscured by Mercury or Venus, we call it a transit.

When our view of the Sun is obscured by the Moon, we call it an eclipse.

When our view of the sun is obscured by the Earth, we call it a night.
barnabas_truman: (army)

"Why, there was never any wizard school after all! It was all just Old Man Dumbledore trying to keep folks away from the ruined castle so they wouldn't find his bootleg butterbeer operation!"

"Alas! And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you darn muggles!"
barnabas_truman: (army)
I made some typography puns! Everyone loves typography puns!

barnabas_truman: (young whistler)
The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,
The homely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles
To tell you what she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize,
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.

(from The Random House Book of POETRY for Children; no author given)
barnabas_truman: (army)
Far away on the planet Sodor V, Michael the Maglev sped through the air just above his tracks.

Michael was carrying a very special cargo. It was a crate of medical supplies, and Michael was delivering it to a needy frontier town.

But what's this, up in the sky? It's Serenity the Spaceship! Look out, Michael!
barnabas_truman: (young whistler)
That'll be $9.99 at the next window.

"That's a pretty good deal--two burgers for a baritone."

"Wait, what? What baritone?"

"$9.99 is a little below a tenner. That's a baritone."
barnabas_truman: (army)
Highlight of the inaugural episode of the Star Trek game:

The brash young human helmsman had been making "That's what she said!" jokes intermittently since the crew first arrived on the starship. Responses: giggling from the Cygnan chief engineer, a gruff "I don't know what you're talking about" from the Andorian commander, and a stoically confused "Who is 'she'?" from the Vulcan weapons officer.

Much later, the commander got into an argument with a more experienced officer about proper safety protocol for testing new combat tactics, and said "I can see that we have very different ideas about experimentation!"

The Vulcan responded, in complete deadpan, "That is what she said."

...and, as the rest of the crew cracked up, "Was that correct? Did I do it right?"

Om nom nom

Apr. 20th, 2011 11:02 am
barnabas_truman: (army)
Controversial indie film director Thomas Cromwell recently released an avant-garde romantic comedy about an undead cheerleader struggling to find the right guy while taking care of her baby. The critics didn't "get it," and it flopped at the box office on opening weekend.

Headlines the next day:
barnabas_truman: (oldstyle)
While sipping tea at breakfast, my eyes pored over the finely detailed image of a little girl in the middle of what could only be described as a ring of dancing fairies. My companion across the table did not appear to have noticed it.

"Holmes, have you seen Conan Doyle's article in today's Strand?" I asked.

"I regret to say that I have," he replied. "Unscientific rubbish. Two girls playing with fairies in the woods? Let me know when they capture a specimen and bring it back to the laboratory for analysis."

"But the girls have taken several photographs, clear as day, of the fairies!" I protested. "Look here; as real as you like on the front page."

"That means nothing," he snapped back. "Photographs can be easily manipulated if one knows how."

"Surely two little girls from Cottingley could not have had such knowledge. Here; look again at the images."

Holmes glanced briefly at the page, then returned his attention to his toast.

"Definitely manipulated, Watson," he calmly said. "I can tell from some of the pixies, and from having seen quite a few photography shops in my time."
barnabas_truman: (army)
There is a legend that an incarnation of Lao Tse, the founder of Taoism, traveled to the kingdom of Siam, and while preaching there attracted a number of disciples. They traveled with him for a time, and when they died, Lao Tse rewarded them by placing them in the sky as stars in a constellation.

When the Beatles were becoming interested in Eastern mysticism, they discovered this legend and liked it so much they wrote a song about it. You may have heard it; it's called "Lao Tse in the Sky with Thai Men."


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