barnabas_truman: (army)
Santa's not *from* the North Pole, but he does use the North Pole as a starting point for his annual journey. From his secret base in Lapland, he flies to the Pole, where the circuitry in his sled interacts with the unique polar magnetic field to create a quantum multiplicity. Infinitely many virtual Santas then fly south along infinitely many possible paths, bringing presents to every household, and finally converging at the South Pole and merging into one Santa again. This is also why children need to go to sleep before midnight on Christmas Eve; the whole quantum multiplicity effect relies heavily on being unobserved!

Trust me; I'm a physics teacher. We know how these things work.
barnabas_truman: (young whistler)
Today is the winter* solstice, which means that (due to the axial tilt of the Earth) we have reached a critical point; from now on, the hours of daylight per day will increase and the hours of night per day will decrease, instead of vice-versa. If you wish to attach some sort of symbolism to this, you are welcome to do so. Happy Solstice, people of Earth!

* if you are in the Southern Hemisphere, please substitute "summer" and go have a lovely day at the beach

And now, here is one of my favorite Christmas stories, retold by one of my favorite cartoonists: The Cat on the Dovrefjell
barnabas_truman: (dwarf)
Everyone knows, of course, that Father Christmas gives presents and candy and oranges to good children, and lumps of coal to bad children. Children that are not particularly naughty but merely somewhat annoying get onions. And if you are really naughty, Father Christmas's henchman Svaarte Petter will come to your house at night, put you in a sack, and haul you off to SPAIN, where you will be forced to wash dishes in a second-rate paella restaurant.

Your only hope of escape is to be rescued by the Basque Resistance. To contact them, you must put extra spices in the paella when the head chef is not watching; the strong smell will attract the attention of Basque Resistance agents. If they succeed in breaking you out, they will help you flee to their secret mountain stronghold in the Pyrenees. You should return the favor by spending some time looking after their sheep and helping them construct hang glider frames out of aluminum framework and wool canvas.

Where do they get the aluminum, you ask? They trade mutton for aluminum with the Sub-Pyrenean Dwarves (whom they also hired to build their strongholds).

And now you want to know why the Basque Resistance needs hang gliders? They use them to swoop down from their mountain strongholds to steal Spanish sheep (and rescue naughty children).

This is the REAL TRUE STORY of CHRISTMAS and should be shared with all tinies you meet. Just in case.
barnabas_truman: (young whistler)
It was the Yuletide, that men call Christmas though they know in their hearts it is older than Bethlehem and Babylon, older than Memphis and mankind... ("The Festival")

Click here for the beginning and middle. )

...and here for the end, which is longer than I thought, so I'm putting it behind a cut too. )

Wow. I've started writing a lot of short stories recently but I think that's the first of them that I've actually finished. Happy new year, and Nodens bless us, every one!


barnabas_truman: (Default)

June 2017

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